[We hear a phone’s ringback tone and a voice muttering over it]
…tits and ass tits and ass tits and ass tits and ass tits and…
[The other end picks up]
Skyler? It’s me, returning your call. Hiiiiiii…. Listen, let me just say straight up, we love your idea for a title, absolutely love it. It’s raw, it’s sexy, it’s in your face… We’re right behind you on this one, right behind you. Yes, no question, we’re ready to give you the go ahead. Practically ready. Just one or two things to clear up.
[Pause]
No, no, nothing major. Just a small detail – well, smallish – I mean just a single word really, but it is one word out of the three, so we want to make sure that we’re all of us seeing eye-to-eye on tits and ass. Let’s put it this way. Tits: check. Ass: check. We’re wondering about that ‘and’, though. Yes, that’s right, the ‘and’, the in-between word. We all had the same thought: are we letting an opportunity slip here? Are we getting to grips with this the way we should? So here’s the thing – and just hear me out for a moment – why offer people both, you see what I’m saying? Why say ‘and’ when you have two clearly distinct marketable resources so readily available?
[Pause]
No, no, I know that’s not how you think about tits and ass but – you know us! – it’s our job to explore, to look at a thing from all angles, and that’s why we feel that, well, why bundle both up together when you can, you know – diversify? Put it this way, Sky – oh, sorry, of course, Skyler – put it this way, there’s always going to be a market for them, right? I mean who wouldn’t bite, you know? But what if you can take that extra step and create a market from them, too? That’s the really entrepreneurial part. So as things stand right now you’ve got what we’d call a top-heavy business model: it’s giving away too much, frankly, way too generous, generosity by the fistful, we’d say. And it’s our insight here that by offering each one exclusively you’ve got something much more do-able, I mean in a business sense, going forward.
[Pause]
No, no, I’m not driving a wedge between tits and ass – well alright I am actually, but that’s half the point. I mean, think of it like this, you’ve got some people like the one, some people like the other, yeah? You’ve got your T-lovers and you’ve got your A-lovers, you know, so doesn’t it make sense to capitalize on that and say, well: here’s the market for you lot, and here’s the market for you other lot? And the clever bit is…if I may just go on for a second, Sky…the really clever bit is that you’re actually doubling your market share overall. ‘Cos I mean no one’s going to say ‘no’ to one of them all the time, right? No-one’s ever ‘Team A’ or ‘Team T’ for life, you know? For example, there’s been all sorts of studies and science done on this and they reckon that way back, when we were all in the trees and stuff, boobs were actually imitations of butts or butts were actually imitations of boobs or maybe they were both imitating each other, I don’t know, but either way that’s the deep psychology that gives us a handhold on them, isn’t it? It’s like, you’re saying “two for the price of one”, but we’re saying: “Whoa, this is a straight-up case of one for the price of two”. Yeah? Just think about that for a second. Think about that for a bottom line.
[Pause]
Well sure, I get where you’re coming from Sky: best things in life are free, you shouldn’t but a price tag on it all and so on, but let’s be honest, that’s not how people really think, is it? We all love our labels. We all love our brands. Sure, ‘tits and ass’ has legs: but we want something with four forged wheels, a flat-six engine and a fucking Porsche chassis wrapped around it. Let me leave it like this, Sky…can I…can I say…just this one thing, okay? Instead of “and”, think “or”. Now you’re not just throwing away resources. Now you’re giving people the stimulus of a choice. ‘Tits OR ass’, get what I’m saying? Let. The market. Decide.
homo monologous 