Spoopy

[Interior. Evening. The voice of a young (i.e. prepubescent) girl speaks]

So Mopsi comes down off the shelf she’s sitting on…and goes next to Molly who’s at the end of the bed…and they make a welcome party for Dorothy who’s been on her own all day…because she was naughty and I put her on the floor…so she’s been crying and they want to cheer her up…and then all the other toys see there’s a party and they want to come too… so Wolfi tells them all to form up in a queue…because it’s just no good when people push and shout, is it Wolfi? Quite right. And now that everyone’s lined up and behaving, we can have a lovely special party, because it’s a special evening which only comes once a year…

[From below, we hear a doorbell ring and the strains of children’s voices calling ‘Trick or Treat’]

Listen to those stupid children. Making a noise, making a nuisance. Like they do every year. We don’t go from house to house, begging for sweets so we can end up fat and spotty, do we? We stay inside and keep our lovely figures and our lovely skin.

[The sounds die down and the voices drift away]

Those children never learn. Mummy and Daddy won’t answer. Mummy and Daddy haven’t answered for years. They’ll be downstairs, holding hands on the sofa like they always are. And we’ll be staying upstairs getting ready for our party, won’t we? [With a sigh] Most boys and girls have no idea what makes a good Halloween. Take a cutout mask, lots of green paint, a silly black cape – and they think that makes them scary! Little children, scary! But that’s the wrong way round, isn’t it Dorothy? (Yes, yes, I’ve forgiven you now). We know that Halloween is for making scary things adorable. Because everything can be made adorable, can’t it? And in our parties everything spooky…becomes cute. All the bats, all the spiders, all the ghosts, all the dead things, all the strange things, all the things that just aren’t right. They all become ever so cute. [Pause] Maybe this year…even the scary rabbit that lives in my draw…that we don’t like to take out…maybe even he can be made a little bit…cuter…

[Pause]

What’s that, Mopsi? Spooky can be cute but cute can also be spooky? Oh I don’t think so, my dear. Not at all, no. I mean, how could a sweet little thing like you ever be scary? How? With the fishnets and the black lipstick? Like last year? Oh, I remember. My Little Gothic Lolita. We did it because you so wanted to please Wolfi in his handsome prince costume. But don’t you see, Mopsi? We were just taking all the things those trashy women wear – the ripped tights and the studded collars and the thick eyeliner – and making them adorable. I mean, if even girls like that can be made to look sweet as sugar pie then it shows just anything can. [Pause] You see, everything in the world is getting cuter. Bit by bit, day by day. It’s a fact. I know because of that scientist man, and what he told me. You remember – the one with the big beard and the silly glasses, who wanted to be my boyfriend. He said there was a special word for people like me. It was…hang on, he wrote it down for me… [Sound of a piece of paper being uncrumpled] n..e..o..t..e..n..y [Short pause] Neo-teenie? [Giggles] Not tweenies, but neo-teenies! That’s what people like me are. And there‘s more and more of us every day – all over the world – and we know – we just know, don’t we, Molly? – how to turn everything we touch – even the ugly things, even the scary things, even poor Mummy and Daddy – into the sweetest, most adorablest things you ever saw…

Spooky can be cute, but cute can never be spooky, that’s how it is. What’s that, Dorothy? ‘Spoopy’? [Giggles again] Oh yes, that’s what they all call it now. Such a silly word, with too much ‘poop’ in it. But it sounds cute, and that’s the important thing, isn’t it? So alright, Dorothy, let’s make tonight the spoopiest Halloween party ever. So here comes Lexi to join the fun…nice and slow, my dear, you’re still recovering, as anybody would after all that nip and tuck…but we had to do it, didn’t we, Lexi?…all for the best…a little bit of lift in the breast area…and a little bit less around the bottom area…that’s what we agreed…careful now, mind the stitches… and then we pulled out your brown eyes, because they weren’t so nice, and we put in some blue ones instead…much prettier as we’ll all see when the bandages come off…there we are, sit yourself down…and now if just we put a little gold necklace and a headdress on you…tra la!…the spoopiest Egyptian-style mummy girl, just for tonight! So adorable! And now we can let the boys come in to join the girls…no rushing, boys, mind your manners, mustn’t seem too eager…like all those nasty men who keep asking to marry me…that’s right, Wolfi’s got his eye on you…But aren’t you all handsome!…boys always look so good in black, don’t they? – so here’s Rory in his hood and cloak, with his scythe which we made from some old toe-clippers…and here’s Kenny with his big black wings and a little black halo for an extra touch…and here’s Leo with his long leather boots and his silver lapels and his peaked cap, and the little ribbons we put on here and there to brighten it all up…and now we pair the boys and girls up together…so Kenny goes with Mopsi ‘cos he’s got brown hair and she’s got brown hair…and Leo goes with Dorothy ‘cos he’s got blond hair and she’s got blonde hair, because that’s the way we like it to be….and if Mr. Purple Rabbit thinks he can just jump out and join in with all these nice boys and girls here, well, he’s got another think coming… [Pause] Later tonight, maybe, when the party’s over…

[The doorbell rings again and we hear another call, more timid, of ‘Trick or Treat’ from some children, before the footsteps hurry away]

Back again…and gone again. Good. Those sort of children not welcome here. [Stretching luxuriously] I’ll be 35 next month! But as everyone says, you’d never know it to look at me. Nothing ever grows older here, nothing’s allowed to. In fact, everything just keeps getting younger…and sweeter…and younger…and cuter…and younger. Mummy and Daddy would have been so proud of their little girl. [To the toys] Shall we go and play with them?