Seasonal

[Interior, roomy and warm. Sounds of music and partying in the background. Voice of a middle-aged male speaking at group-level volume]

Alright, you lot, knock back whatever’s in your glasses. C’mon, c’mon! I’ve got something special for you next. Was that a G&T in there? Here, give it a bloody good swill with water… you don’t want to mess up the taste of this stuff. Okay, hold steady… and some for you… and for you… Right! What shall we drink to? We need a toast. I want a proper libation, this stuff’s far too good to – No, don’t drink it yet! Look, wait – just get it moving round the glass a bit… like that… now bring it up to the nose… gently… get that? Catch those aromas? Are you thinking – northern Spain, maybe? But a touch less acid, smoother? Well, wait till I tell you – this stuff’s from South of England. [Pauses to listen] No, I’m deadly serious, it’s actually grown here on this sepulchered isle. A little start-up vineyard in Somerset. They’ve cracked the red wine problem, no idea how they’ve managed it… what’s that? World getting warmer? Could be… you’d have to ask my sciencey daughter about that sort of thing… she’s around here somewhere, along with a bunch of her lab coat chums… look for the rainbow nose-rings, haha! So, what are we all drinking to? Tell you what, I’ll put it to the vote… [Raising his voice to the room in general] Listen up, everyone! Can I just get a moment? [The music and chatter die down] Listen, thanks again to everyone for coming. What a long wait it’s been, hope you buggers think it’s worth it! [Cheering] Now that I’ve topped up your glasses I’m looking for something to raise a toast to. I know it’s been a godawful year, for all sorts of reasons, but let’s look for positives. So what are we drinking to? [Pauses to listen] Oh, come on, Bob, not everything’s about money… [Pauses to listen] I know we had a good year… a bloody good year in our department… by third quarter flood and fire policies had overtaken car and theft – in west bloody London! [Cheers] Never seen that before… but can’t we toast something a bit more… I don’t know… general? What can we drink to? Anyone? [Pauses to listen] ‘Absent friends’? Who’s absent? I had to move my bed down to the cellar to accommodate you lot! [Laughter] Look, when my dear departed mum took this place out in the sticks twenty years ago, this time of year was a total no-go for gatherings. One year even I couldn’t get up here, ice on the roads was that bad. Had a rotten Christmas worrying about her being all snowed-in on her own. Now? Sixth year in a row we’ve had a seasonal bash, no one has any travel problems. [Pauses to listen] Yep, that includes lockdowns – though we don’t talk about that, there’s coppers present. [Laughter] So come on, there must be something we can all drink to! ‘Holidays abroad’? Who suggested..? Oh, it’s you, Reggie. Alright, very funny. That’s remainer humour for anyone who doesn’t know Reg. Sharp, with a bitter aftertaste – not like this stuff you lot are about to neck, haha! But seriously, I know everyone likes to doom and gloom about ‘the climate’ these days, but what about this fantastic weather we’ve been getting? Who needs to go to the Riviera when we’ve got Indian Summers like these? You have to pinch yourself to make sure you’re still in Blighty. I was gob-smacked late September to see a swarm – no, a flippin’ cyclone – of damselflies moving slow and steady over the water’s edge down by the end of my Surrey garden. Never saw that when I was a boy – nor the size nor the colour. The London office feels like a tropical garden. The parakeets are proper TOWIES these days – hopped over from God knows where out east and now they’re muscling in and picking fights with the locals. With that lot screaming and squawking who needs to visit Marbella, eh? [Slightly embarrassed laughter] And – and – as my darling daughter never stops telling me, you only need to take a dive off the Dorset coast to see some of the most out-of-this-world creatures in the waters – things you once had to go to an aquarium to see. I may be getting greyer, but everything around me feels like it’s getting more colourful. And, best of all – and this is what I’ve really been waiting to tell you all – the wine in your glass, that you’re about to drink, from a little company I’ve bought a bunch of shares in, is the first truly Mediterranean-quality red wine we’ve ever grown in this country. It’s like a taste of the hazy South. Let that sink in when you swallow it down. So – what are we drinking to? [Silence. After a pause] Come on, then, darling, help the old man out. [Pauses to listen] ‘The End of the Hollow Scene’? What is that, a horror film? [Localized tittering] Sounds a bit down-beat, sweetheart, as I keep saying, we’re looking for something positive. [Pauses to listen] Say again? I didn’t catch that – here, write it down… [Faint scribbling] Arthro… arthropod?… anthro… oh now I see… as in ‘human’ – see, you did teach me something – alright, that’s sounding much better, more – uplifting. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have our toast. I give you ‘The Dawn of the Anthropocene’.