King

[Young Nigerian male, dressed smart casual for work, with just a hint of bling, standing next to a tech office-style chair and table. On it lie a landline phone, a mobile phone, and a stress ball. He loosens up his neck and shoulder muscles, goes through a few quick vocal warmups, then sits down, picks up the receiver and dials. When he speaks into it his voice is wholly and unaffectedly female – light, musical and verging on the hyper-feminine]

Hey baby. Guess who. [Pause] Uh-huh. You excited to hear me? It’s what you’ve been waiting for, right? [Pause] Yeah, I’m real excited. A little scared too. [Pause] Why? Well, you know.. don’t know if you’ll still like me now you can hear my voice. [Pause] So do you? Do you like me now you can hear me? [Pause] Aw, you’re sweet. Bet you’re a real gentleman. I bet you’re a real gentleman with all your girlfriends. [Pause] No way. No way you don’t have girlfriends out to here. [Pause] Serious? I got you all to myself? You know what? That makes me even more excited. [Pause] So, what you think? [Pause] No, about the pic I sent you. Uh-huh. I did it like you asked, right? Sitting just like you said. You like what you saw? [Pause] Uh-huh… uh-huh… Can I tell you something? I got so wet doing it. I never did anything like that before. [Pause] No way. I’m a shy girl. I hate to take my clothes off, even on the beach. But doing it for you, baby. That got me so wet. [Pause] You mean that? Aw, you’re such a gentleman. So… you want me to do it some more? I wanna do it some more. [Pause] Uh-huh… But I know I can trust you, right? I mean that pic is for you and only you, right? Cos it was a big thing for me to do that for you… [Pause] Okay, then. I’ll send you another. Cos it really turns me on. But you know what I’d love, baby? For a little encouragement? I wanna see you, too. Uh-huh. Just like you saw me. Special for you, and special for me. [Pause] Aw, now you’re a shy boy, too. [Pause] No, I mean, like, you’re a shy boy like I’m a shy girl… But I like that, you know? I like that you’re shy. Cos it shows you’re a gentleman and I can trust you, right? [Pause] So… will you send me something of you, too? I bet you’re as sexy as your voice, I can tell. Let me guess. You’re from England – you’re white, yeah? You got blue eyes? I love blue eyes. I go crazy for that. I’m just a girl from Singapore, you know? We don’t see blue eyes here much. [Pause] Yeah, it really gets me, white boy with blue eyes. Just like that actor… that guy in all the romantic comedies, you know… what’s his name? [Pause] Yeah, yeah him… [Pause] haha, you don’t have to look like him, I’m just saying it’s cute, you know, that combination. I’d do anything for that… So what you wearing right now? You wanna know what I’m wearing? Just my towel, haha. Just got out of the shower, it’s been real hot here today. I was thinking about you in the shower, baby, while I was running my hands over myself, you know? About what you might be wearing. ‘Cos I wanna picture you, you know? [Pause] You’re in a suit? That’s hot, I… [Pause] In your school suit? Oh sure, well – I’m still at school too. That’s cute you have a uniform, you know what I wanna see? I wanna see you in it then out of it, haha. [Pause] Why so shy, baby? I sent one to you. [Pouty] You’re not taking advantage of me, are you? My friends said don’t ever send a pic ‘cos guys never play fair, but I trusted you ‘cos you’re a nice boy from England with blue eyes. [Pause] You sure? That makes me feel so good! Hey, tell you what, I‘ll talk you through it, right now, I’ll tell you how to take a pic and you know what? I’ll touch myself while you do it. That a deal, baby? This is gonna be so hot. Okay, can you get to your bathroom? Go there right now, and stand in front of the mirror. Take a pic in your suit, the whole thing, I wanna see your school tie! Okay now DM it to me, like I did for you. [His mobile pings and he pauses to check it] Oh baby, you’re my dream boy, you’re my handsome prince. Okay so now take your tie off… then your shirt… I’ve slipped off my towel, baby… uh-huh… I let my fingers go roaming… did you take everything off yet? Now just lose the boxers, make sure you get a pic with your face, too… you’re my handsome prince, baby, you’re my king, with a big K, just like they named you… [Heavy pause] Say what? [Pause] How’d I know that? But I didn’t… [Cups his hand over the mic and mouths ‘Fuck’ to himself] ‘Cos you told me ‘King’ was your last name in our chats, baby. [Pause] Well maybe I guessed it, you know, from your username… [Checks his phone for the name, grimaces] Well, all of us girls call a guy ‘king’ sometimes, it’s slang, it means we like you. [Pause] No, I’m not stalking you, baby, I’m not searching you up – why’d I wanna do that? C’mon this is distracting us, we were having fun… take the pic and send it, I wanna see if my boy is king-size, haha… [Pause] Sorry? [He leans forward] A nature documentary? You watched a nature documentary at school, okay well that’s cute… [He listens intently] About wolves? I don’t get it, what… Yeah, I’m listening…  They get into a herd of sheep… they kill all the prey… then eat the heart… but leave the rest of the animal… C’mon, baby, this isn’t sexy talk, this is freaking me out… [He moves his hand over the phone hooks] They eat the heart… but leave the rest… okay… okay this is… [He cuts the call].

[A moment’s silence, then he slams his fist down on the desk in frustration. Another pause, then with a wry smile he scrolls through his mobile contacts, chooses one, and dials another number on the landline. When he speaks it is in the same pitch-perfect female voice]

Hey baby. Yeah, I’m calling just like I promised. You excited? Me too, but I’m a little nervous. Well, you know, I’m just a girl from Singapore. Say, you got blue eyes? I love blue eyes…

[Lights down]