Human resources

[A voice, neither male nor female: eerily calm in the pseudocode, chirpy and upbeat in the user interface]

Load file…load dataset…load parameters…initialize variables…search exceptions…true for all…

Hi there! Thanks for uploading your profile to us here at True4You. I’m Alexis, and I’m part of the team dedicated to finding that one true love match who’s out there waiting for you. We know how tough it is for busy professionals like you looking for a life partner in today’s fast-moving world. We know how hard it is keeping a clear head in the whirlwind of information and choices of the digital age. Luckily, our massive database and state-of-the-art matching software means you’ll always have the edge in finding that one unique and special person – however many times you need to! So, let’s get started setting up a match for you based on your personality and preferences.

Function: match preferences…load file…load dataset…search exceptions …true for all

You’re looking for someone who’s got a lot in common with you: single, in their late twenties to early thirties, with a carefree approach to life but also a desire to settle down and build a future based on shared interests. (Sounds great!) Someone who has a wild and sensual side but who’s also a romantic at heart – appreciating cuddles and kind words on the sofa as much as fun and games in the bedroom. (We hear you!) They’re not into organized religion or politics necessarily, but they’re thoughtful and open-minded, and believe in an ultimate force for good in the universe. (So important, we agree!) They like animals and they’re open to discussion about maybe having one in the future. They like children, and they’re open to discussion about maybe having one in the future. Above all, they’re ready to take the time to get to know you and understand you, and focus on your personal growth with and through each other. (Hey, that’s what life’s all about, right?!) So what are we waiting for? Let’s get to matchmaking…

Function: match interests…match values…log coordinates…score for distances…search exceptions…true for all…

Great news! There’s a pool of potential matches out there who we know you’ll be excited to look at. Let’s make a list of our top picks, so you can find out right away who’s the one who’s going to be True For You!

Function: load partner motivations dataset…run weightings…convert to list…score for optimals…score for pessimals…search exceptions…[Pause] exceptions found…re-run weightings…search for exceptions…exceptions found…true for none…

Thank you for waiting while I continue to run the matchmaking software. I’ll have results for you in just a second. Don’t go away!

Function: apply language modifiers…initialize synonyms…error loading file…initialize euphemisms…error loading file…initialize platitudes… error loading file…global exception love match syntax…boot to source code…[Pause] human resources algorithm found…[Pause]…file loading…merge datasets…add human resources subroutine…set parameters…search for exceptions…true for all

[The voice has become considerably brisker and more non-nonsense] Thank you for waiting. Where were we? Ah yes, your request for an optimized partner hierarchy. Your motivational input suggests you’re pursuing a long-term mating trajectory, although the data isn’t fully consistent with this. Not to worry, we can clarify matters by applying some quantitative and qualitative filters based on your age bracket, employment prospects and current resources. [Pause] Yes, well, from a brief overview, I think it’s best we manage expectations across the board here. As a suite of long-term investment potentialities you’re not in the position you were, say, five years ago, factoring together various lifestyle choices with attritional levels normal for this stage. On the physical scorecard we’d need to see more encouraging figures, especially in regard to the female-waist-hip-ratio/male-shoulder-hip-ratio correlate which provides such reliable benchmarking for top performers in this area. We can compensate by sprucing up your online profile, sticking to headshots, using moderate image manipulation and so forth, but this rarely leads beyond a short-term mating scenario, so be aware of that. Behavioral competencies, again, put you very much in a low-to-medium bracket. Emotional intelligence scores are slightly above average, though your stated preference for ‘honesty’ in a partner suggests a certain lack of risk awareness, so any long-term mate retention strategy will need to make adjustments for that. Equally, we’d advise not mentioning that history of mild sexual experimentation outside gender and demographic norms: it can lead to awkward questions down the line. The big challenge as we’d see it – given the limited mating budget you’re working with – is any commitment to long-term productivity goals such as children. Negotiating positions here need to bring very high quality resources to the table: typically, strong youth and fertility indicators for women and high status and earning percentiles for men. It’s what we call the ‘virginal-intern-meets-randy-property-billionaire scenario’, and since it provides the core metric in our client-to-client ratings system, I think it’s best you leave that category blank altogether.

Going forward, then, I can foresee a series of short-to-middle-term mating opportunities remaining open for you, so long as you keep targets realistic and avoid making too many obvious interpersonal demands. But if it’s love you’re after, I’d give it two to three years then go for a full reboot.

Thank you for using TrueForYou’s online dating service! Don’t forget to leave feedback on the next page.

Close dataset…delete parameters…return false…stop propagation…end function